TOP 10 LISTS

Top 10 signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Top 10 things not to say on your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Top 10 signs you are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

Top 10 reasons to allow drinking at work
10. It leads to more honest communications.
9. It reduces complaints about low pay.
8. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
7. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
6. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
5. It makes fellow employees look better.
4. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
3. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
2. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
1. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse
10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)
9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.
8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.
7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops... eventually.
6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.
5. Interesting aromas.
4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.
2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.
1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

Top 10 signs you're an Engineer
10. You can translate English into Binary.
9. The Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
8. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
7. You have a pet named after a scientist.
6. You think in "math."
5. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
4. It is sunny and 70 degrees outdoors, and you are working on a computer.
3. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
2. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
1. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

Top 10 Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift! 
9. Well, well, well... 
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. 
1. I really don't deserve this.

Top 10 Reasons to Start a Cult
10. You're not getting the respect you deserve as fry guy.
9. You think it will look good on your resume.
8. Your current religion limits alcohol to just wine during services.
7. The SEC probably won't investigate you.
6. Everyone else is starting one.
5. Group health insurance.
4. Your pet monkey suggested it in your daily pep talk.
3. Group rates to amusement parks.
2. It's more cost effective to feed two hundred than just three or four.
1. You're not only a member, you're also a supreme being.